It's Hard To Dance Alone
by starlight.moon.princess
Summary: "And yet here he was; wand in hand, watching as little red pearls droplets dripped from his arm and fell to the floor." / Teddy, James, and healing scars that shouldn't be there.


**For Camp Potter (Campfire Songs - write something based on the lyrics _"You told me that the scars you bear / Are beautiful and real / So turn the lights back on again / All to see the things you feel / And we've got one night / To let the whole world know / Just how perfect we could be" - Goo Goo Dolls 'One Night'_); the If You Dare Challenge (841. Crushed Hopes); the Song Fic Boot Camp (song: _Goo Goo Dolls 'One Night_; 28. Love); the Fantastic Beasts Challenge (Chizpurfle) and the Legendary Creatures Competition (Chimera)**

**NOTE: This is AU in terms of next gen ages. I've aged everyone younger than Victoire about 2-3 years, so James is about 15 when Teddy is 17; they are in fourth and seventh year respectively.**

**WARNINGS: self-harm, bullying, triggering content**

* * *

This was not the place he had been expected to be.

He was the son of war heroes, the godson of Harry Potter – the world should have been his oyster, and he should have been the one at the top.

And yet here he was; wand in hand, watching as little red pearls droplets dripped from his arm and fell to the floor.

* * *

Teddy Lupin had grown up sheltered, protected by people who had already suffered too much loss to willingly expose him to the world's cruelties. So Hogwarts was a shock, to say the least.

At the Weasley-Potters, the things that set a person starkly apart from everyone else hadn't mattered one bit. Teddy had never grown up thinking that the fact that his father had been a werewolf and his mother a metamorphagus affected anything at all.

Not everyone thought that way – that was the first thing he had learned when he set foot into Hogwarts.

The jabs were subtle and the bullying almost invisible. Had the professors seen, they would have put an end to it immediately, especially considering Teddy's name. The rest of the students in his year knew that, so they made sure they weren't found out.

All they needed to do was the simple things – isolating Teddy, making sure that no one who was interested in being friendly towards him managed to keep it up for more than a week. After all, he was a child born of a dark creature and someone with abilities that no one really understood. He was _different_, and that was enough to lead to him being ostracised.

And then his own metamorphagus abilities were revealed to the school by mistake during his third year, and that ensured that no one ever even glanced at him again.

After all, Teddy Lupin was an unnatural freak, the child of a union that should never have happened. He couldn't even be called fully human, and that meant that the way he was treated didn't matter. Because only humans feel, and since Lupin wasn't completely human, it meant that he wasn't affected by anything that was done to him.

It became somewhat easier for him when the Weasley-Potter started to trickle into Hogwarts. They had grown up with him, and there was nothing and no one that would ever prevent them from spending what time they could with him.

But none of them were in his year, and there only so much they could do to reduce his loneliness.

Then fourth year happened, and his life went to hell.

Somehow – he didn't know how – his year mates found out that he wasn't interested in girls, that he was attracted to men. And all of a sudden, he went from being _freak_ to _faggot_, and the comments about what he liked to do during his free time started.

His dorm mates preferred to have him around them as less as possible, deciding that was likely to attack or molest them as soon as he had the opportunity. Had it not been for the fact that they were trying to make sure no word reached the teachers, they would have requested that Teddy be shifted to another dorm.

By the time he reached seventh year, Teddy was nearly completely broken down and battered. Seven years of being ignored, belittled and abused took a toll on anyone, and a huge part of him had grown to believe every insult that was thrown his way.

No one else was gay. No one else could change their appearance as easily as they could think.

No one else was attracted to their adoptive brother.

Because that was the piece of himself that Teddy had discovered that had made him believe his year mates.

James Potter had never been more than a brother to him until they returned home after Teddy's sixth year. He couldn't pinpoint when it happened, but he did know when he had realised.

It had been at one of the Weasleys' Quidditch games held at the pitch Harry had built in the back of their cottage at Godric's Hollow. Teddy had begged out of playing, not willing to embarrass himself in front of professional and house team players. James, Gryffindor's prized Chaser, hadn't.

He had been zooming around the pitch, hair messed up, eyes sparkling, and the widest smile on his face. That had been all Teddy had needed to fall in love.

He hated himself for it. James was two years younger than him and as good as his brother. This was the last way he should feel towards him.

And then he had remembered what the students at Hogwarts said about him, and suddenly it had all made sense.

If the people who were supposed to be his friends despised him, there had to be something wrong with him. After all, only a pervert and a freak fell in love with his adoptive brother. So every time he felt attracted to a boy, he would berate himself. Every time he thought about changing his appearance, his magic would shut down.

By the time he walked onto Platform Nine and Three Quarters at the beginning of his seventh year, Teddy Lupin was nothing like the bright eyed boy who had boarded the train at the age of eleven. With mousey brown hair like his mother once had and dull, dead blue eyes, he had become exactly what his classmates had made him – utterly unremarkable, a broken shell of the person he should have been.

For some reason, McGonagall had decided it was sensible to make him Head Boy. Him, Teddy Lupin, the one who was a freak, the boy who the rest of the seventh years justly hated had become Head Boy. The only thing that meant to him was that their resentment and hatred would grow thicker and hit him more.

The only silver lining he could see was the fact that he had a private room of his own, apart from the seventh year Gryffindor boys' dorm. At least he wouldn't have to deal with seeing the boys who were supposed to be his friends shy away from him every time he was within five feet of them, as though he was a carrier of a deadly disease.

He had never foreseen his adopted family.

They hadn't been able to close ranks around him during the previous years, too broken up by age and house differences. But the fact that they now had his room to spend time in meant that he was almost constantly surrounded by laughter and friendship when he wasn't in class.

At the Burrow or Godric's Hollow, it wouldn't have been out of place. But the fact that it was happening at Hogwarts, a place that had only ever held bad memories and a worse future for Teddy – well, it was enough to shatter him into two.

Which was what led him to the place he was, wand in hand as he cast _Diffindos_ carefully enough so that he could feel the bite of the slices without hitting a major artery – the dichotomy of what Hogwarts was and what it should be made every jab, sneer and offhand comment worse.

Now that he knew what it should be, every reminder of what it was cut deeper than it ever had. He was a freak, and the fact that he now felt normal when his family was around…He was the abnormal one, the one who liked boys. Merlin, he was the pervert who had fallen for James!

So the little red crystals dripped to the floor of his bedroom, and he took comfort in the pain that reminded him that even though his life at Hogwarts had changed, the fact that he was _wrong_ hadn't. The House Elves would clean the blood in the morning and keep his secret, like they always did. All he had to do was-

"Teddy!"

At the sound of James' voice, Teddy jerked in surprise, causing the spell to cut deeper than he had intended it too. As the comforting bite turned into a painful tear, the spell ripping and slashing through skin and veins, Teddy couldn't hold back a loud hiss of pain.

Before he could attempt to clean up, James burst into the room, a cheerful smile plastered on his face. At the sight of Teddy, face contorted in agony and blood flowing down his arm in a thin river of red, however, it faded, a strange mixture of worry, horror and devastation replacing it.

"Teddy?" James said once again, his voice soft and confused this time. "What're you doing?"

"Hey Jamesie," Teddy said, attempting to smile through his pain. If he could, he had to make sure James never found out what was happening. "It's nothing, my wand just slipped."

"Stop lying to me!" The expression on James' face was suddenly furious, a part of him that Teddy had never seen before. And though he absolutely hated to admit it, even to himself, Teddy couldn't help but feel a bit attracted to this new facet of James' personality.

James walked across the room in large strides, reaching Teddy's side within moments. Ignoring him for the moment, he pulled Teddy's arm towards him, muttering a few healing spells that he had taught himself for use against a Quidditch injury.

Only when Teddy was healed did he raise his head from Teddy's arm, the furious look unchanged.

"What the _hell_ were you doing, Ted?" he hissed. "Why would you even think about – I can't even say it."

"Just leave it James!" Teddy said desperately, trying to escape James' surprisingly strong grip. But James, for all that he was only a fourth year, was strong and fuelled by adrenaline from worry and anger, and he wasn't about to let Teddy escape easily.

James simply stared stonily at Teddy, not saying a word while Teddy continued to try and escape. It was only when Teddy went limp in his grip, admitting defeat, that he let his mask down and show the worry and panic that he was feeling. "Teddy…why would you _do_ that?" he questioned, voice suddenly devoid of all anger and replaced by a sense of helplessness.

"James," Teddy whispered, James' helplessness reflected in his voice. "Leave it alone, _please_. I'm begging you."

James shook his head stubbornly. "Family looks out for family," he said, not noticing Teddy's wince at the use of the word family. "I'm not leaving until I find out what drove you to this."

Searching James' face, Teddy wilted. He had seen that look a hundred times before on his father's face, and he knew better than to think that he was about to get of explaining everything to the younger boy.

"I'm a freak," he finally whispered in defeat. "I'm a _freak_, James, and I don't deserve the love you guys have been giving me the past year! It's the only way I can remember what I am – it's the only way I'm not going to carried away and start thinking I'm worth something!" By the end of his explanation, Teddy's voice had risen higher and higher in hysteria and agitation.

The shock of Teddy's words caused James to loosen his grip Teddy's arm. "Teddy, what are you _saying_?" he whispered in horror. "You're _not_ a freak! Love – love isn't something you don't deserve! Why – what happened to you? Who did this to you?" His voice was anguished as he took in the boy sitting in front of him.

"James, I've told you what you wanted to know. Could you please-"

"No!" James exclaimed, snatching back Teddy's arm before he could complete his plea. "No," he said, quieter this time. "Not unless you tell me why."

"Normal boys aren't attracted to other boys!" Teddy exclaimed, shaking violently. James tried to interrupt, but Teddy was on a roll. "Normal people can't change their appearance with just a thought! Normal people have _friends_, James, they don't have their entire year despise them. Normal people – normal people don't fall in love with their _adopted brother_." By the last word, Teddy's voice had dropped to a faint whisper, causing James to strain in order to hear him.

James started at the last part of Teddy's exclamation, but decided to place it aside in favour of addressing the rest of his words.

"Teddy," he said gently, reaching out with his free hand to stroke Teddy's face, "I'm gay too. And you wouldn't call me a freak, would you?"

Teddy shook his head, too surprised at James' confession to say anything. Realising that Teddy wasn't going to tell him anything, James resumed speaking.

"And being a metamorphamagus doesn't make you freak either, Ted. You got that from your mother, and you've heard the stories about her. She was anything but a freak, you know that." Before Teddy could say anything, James continued. "It's your classmates who are the freaks, Teddy, not you. They had the chance to befriend someone as amazing as you, and they decided to make you think you're less than yourself instead. _They're_ the ones who are wrong. _They're_ the ones who don't make sense."

Teddy was nearly in tears by the time James had finished speaking. "James…" he murmured, utterly overwhelmed.

"I'm right, and you know it," James said before Teddy could start protesting.

"What about the fact that I've gone and fallen in love with you?" he demanded, refusing to allow himself any hope when he knew that the biggest reason for his wrongness was the one that James hadn't addressed.

James didn't reply, looking conflicted. Teddy took that as a sign that he had been right the entire time, letting his head fall down in defeat. He had always been a freak, and nothing that James said would change that fact.

And then James reached out, cupping Teddy's face in his hands and raising it so that the older boy was looking at him.

"James, what…" Teddy started to ask. But James didn't say anything, simply scooting closer to him.

Teddy held his breath, waiting to see what James would do. Maybe, just may- but he stopped himself. Hoping had never gotten him anywhere before, and he wasn't about to make that same mistake once again without some proof that he was right to hope.

All he concentrated on was the feel of James' fingers, stroking his face gently as Teddy waited in anticipation of whatever James was going to do. There was no chance it was going to be-

James lips were so soft. That was the only thought Teddy had when James gently kissed him, shock and surprise chasing away everything else in his mind. Before he could react in any way, James pulled away, a devastatingly tender expression on his face.

"You stupid, _stupid_ man," he whispered, fingers still stroking Teddy's face. Teddy felt his stomach drop. Of course James would realise what a mistake it had been…

"I'm in love with you too," he continued quietly. Teddy's head snapped up in surprise. "Stop looking so shocked," he said, noticing Teddy's expression, "You're the only one who hasn't noticed. I've been in love with you since I was ten, you know."

"James?" Teddy asked, still not daring to believe what he was hearing.

In reply, James bent forward to kiss him gently once more. "We can talk about this later," he murmured, "But I promise you I'm not lying when I say I'm in love with you."

Teddy slowly nodded his head. He still wasn't entirely certain that this wasn't just some big practical joke, but James was exactly like his father. He never lied, and Teddy didn't think that he was saying anything untrue this time either.

"Will you promise me something?" James asked.

Teddy nodded. He was still too overcome to say anything, all the shocks he had experienced in the last hour or so having taken a lot out of him.

"Please don't ever hurt yourself like that again," James whispered, anguish clear on his face. "I don't like the thought of you bleeding for no reason, and now that I know, I'm always going to worry you'll kill yourself accidently."

Teddy opened his mouth to protest James' request. The bite of the curse was comforting to him, and he had no idea if he would be able to do without it.

James beat him to the punch. "How would you feel if our positions were reversed?" he asked. "_Please_ Teddy, promise me."

At James' words, Teddy had nothing left to say. He could imagine James in his place; cutting himself deliberately…he shuddered. He nodded his promise, the mental image leaving him too breathless to talk.

"Thank you," James murmured, pulling him into his arms and hugging him tightly.

"James, you deserve better," Teddy tried to protest one last time, his voice muffled in James' sweater. He hated the thought of James leaving him, but even if he wasn't a freak, he still wasn't healthy for James.

James just wrapped his arms tighter, bending down to whisper in Teddy's ear. "I promise I won't leave you alone, Teddy. No matter what you're going through, we'll face it together. You're the only one I want – the only one I will _ever_ want – and nothing's going to scare me away, especially not you. If I have to, I'll check you daily to make sure you're not hurting yourself again, but I'm not leaving you. _I promise_."

* * *

He wasn't supposed to have reached that place. He was never supposed to have been broken enough to resort to self-harm.

But upon reflection, he decides that it had all been worth it, every taunt and insult he had ever faced. In their own way, they had all led him to James, and that was worth facing every abuse the world could ever throw at him.

* * *

**I hope you guys liked it! As always, please don't forget to drop a review on your way o****ut :3**


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